SO.... this is something that I've been battling all my life. I've finally after 30 years come to term with it. The suprising thing is how I come to terms with it.... THIS is the story of my life without a daddy....
As a young girl, it never occured to me that I didn't have a father. In the beginning I was made to believe that my sisters father was my own father as well. He was there with my mother throughout pregnancy & my birth. It wasn't until I was around the age of 6 or 7 that I learned that the man that lived across the road from us, the man with whom children I played with, was my real daddy. Yet I was too young to realize what this really meant. He never acknowledged me as his daughter. I can remember one night I woke up and he and his wife was sitting in the living room with my mother talking, I would later find out they were discussing the possibilities of he and I having a relationship... must have taken a wrong turn, because nothing come of it. I remember me and a friend of mine walking and talking one day when I confided in her who my real father was, this town I lived in was very small, so everyone knew everyone. Well, she wasn't buying it. So we walked to his house and knocked on the door, when he answered my friend asked him if he was my daddy, he said (and I remember this vividly) "I don't know what your talking about" and shut the door in my face. Had I been older, this would have been a blow to me, but I was young, the only thing that bothered me was that my friend thought I was lying to her.
It would be years later before I confronted him again. About 10 years later when I was 16. It had really been on my mind alot. Seeing my friends with their fathers, hearing them brag about their daddies... all those things started being on my mind quite a bit. Also, my living situation was miserable. My step-dad hated me and never passed up and oppritunity to make my life miserable. Thats a whole other story in itself. So.... at 16 I called information and got his number. Took me quite awhile to get up the courage to actually dial the number, but somehow I did. Maybe it was all the misery I had been in wondering, hurting, hating & aching. When I got him on the phone, I really don't remember what I said... my heart was racing, my whole body was hot, my hands were shaking. The only thing I remember was him telling me he didn't want to have anything to do with me, and the look on my best friends face when she shared my pain when she saw the tears streaming down my face. This was now a major blow to my emotional being. I was hurt & pissed.
It would be 2 years later when I was 18 that I put all that anger and resitment to my benefit and lashed out at him. I threatened, I yelled, I screamed, I was so mad. But for some reason unbeknownced to me, he actually listened this time. I was elated!!!!! ;) My father, the man I dreamed about for 18 years of my life, was now listening to me, understanding my pain, explaining his reasoning. I found out then that he had named me, he come to the hospital when I was born, and he always thought of me. I also found out his wife was very jealous and made him make the choice between me or her.... obviously we know which he choose in 1979... But I was so ready to get over that, I wanted my father, no matter what or why it happened.
They invited me up in July the year I turned 18. He wasn't home when I arrived. He was at work still. His wife and my sister was there. She opened the door and said "gawd you are his daughter". She proceeded to show me pictures of him and all the family on that side. Man did I ever favor his side of the family. When she walked into the kitchen to get soemthing to drink I was looking around on the wall at pictures, (keep in mind I still haven't seen him) I noticed a picture of him at the age of 18 while in the military on the wall, i looked JUST like him... my heart melted, I got chills, I was breathless...... wow! He got there a little after 5... he walked in the room and just stared at me, we stared at each other for a moment. Here was my dad, acknowledging his first born daughter. I looked just like this man. I was speechless.... We didn't get to stay long. I didn't feel comfortable staying overnight there not knowing these people at all, so we left around 9... he hugged me when we left and said to me in my ear "i'm so glad we did this" I could feel it too, I could feel his joy of meeting me for the first time!
I would be about 6 months before I went back to visit. This time a friend of mine drove me up there (about a 3 hour drive), we had made plans to stay overnight this time. And more of the family was gonna be there. My brother, Kristopher (funny huh, just like my name) and my step-brothers and step-sisters. I was nervous. When we first got there, I felt out of place, no one tlaked to us, we almost left... but we stayed awhile longer. Finally everyone except 1 step-brother and my brother kristopher and of course my dad and his wife was the only ones there. We finally got comfortable. Started drinking, playing music.... talking, just getting loose and comfortable.. Laughing and having a GREAT time. Too great of a time I guess... his wife was getting pissed off., for what reason who knows... jealousy. I would later learn that she thought everytime he looked at me, he would think of my mother.... WE stayed the night, left the next morning and I thought all was great. Until a couple weeks later when I called.... he wasn't very friendly with me... i didn't know what was going on. Until he told me that my step-brother made accusations that i tried to seduce him. WOW!!! I tried to tell him it wasn't true, but who is he gonna believe, his family of 18 years or me? I mean, really!!!!
It wasn't until YEARS later, about 10 actually, that i got a letter from my sister Trina. She said it all finally come out that my fathers wife finally admitted she concocted the whole story to get him to hate me. And she got her son to lie and go along with this story. Not too long after that I got a letter from Wade saying he wanted to see me. Wow, I was excited again.
I was invited to go to a family reunion on October 4th of 2008. My daughter and I drove down the night before to stay the night and go the next day to the reunion. We got ther about 8ish in the evening. My father and all his brothers (about 5 of them), my step-brother who started the lie, my sister, a bunch of people was there. All outside drinking beer, being loud.... I mean come on.... I felt so uncomfortable and outta place, it was awful!!! They were nice don't get me wrong, but too nice, trying too hard.... But the bit** wife never said a word to me. Sitting outside on the stairs I finally realized soemthing.. it come to me... this is not my family. These are not my people! WHAT????? My family was those people who never deserted me all my 30 years, my family was those people who if they ever had to choose would have chosen me, my family was the people who was there for me through thick and thin... All these years of wondering what i missed out on, and I realized, I haven't missed out on shit! So... I left, didn't look back, didn't cry, didn't feel pain. I felt relief, a burden lifted off my shoulders. I realized I don't need a "father" to be a whole normal person... I don't need him. I have everyone I need. I have my mother, my sisters and my kids... I have great friends & a wonderful life... and I got all of that WITHOUT him! I am a daughter, but not his.... I may look like him, but I'm nothing like him! I would never choose a man over my children, I would never shut the door in my childs face, I would never deny love for my children. He is the one who has to face God on Judgement Day, hes the one who has to lay his head on his pillow everynight and live with what he has done! I am a better person today because of that fateful October night last year!!! I am a whole person now, with no bitterness or questions. I love my life for all it is and all it took to be what it is!!! I live everyday without my "father", but I also live everyday with LOVE from my family and thats all I can ask for!!!!!!!!
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